At times, this journey has been truly torturous. I’ve experienced sadness and anger beyond what I can put into words. My poor body has been through so much; not just surgeries. It has felt so much fear and uncertainty, and agonising pain during flares and blockages. All of this tension and trauma adds up over time and it’s not uncommon for people like me to end up diagnosed with chronic pain, too. My fibromyalgia diagnosis came in 2019, although I’m certain I’ve lived with it far longer.

The surgeries have made a mess of my insides, so things don’t work like they’re “supposed” to. For example, I have tubal infertility and an overactive bladder.

I still have A LOT to process, because for years I just stuffed the emotions back down so that I could do what needed to be done. I also have PTSD; I’ve spent the last 4 or 5 hospitalisations in a dissociative state, which makes the EMDR therapy I’ve been doing a little trickier. But I am slowly working through what comes up.

If we refuse to acknowledge the struggle, there’s a part of us that constantly has to work to keep the trauma from surfacing. That, in itself, is exhausting and can be harmful. On the other hand, if all we think about is the struggle, we become stuck in a pattern of thoughts and emotions that don’t serve us, bring us happiness, or help us grow. Chronic illness is such a complex thing!

Since 2020, I’ve been rebuilding a connection between my mind and body. This renewed connection has helped my mental and physical health a lot. My nervous system is learning how to stay, or return more quickly to, feeling safe – homeostasis, or the rest and digest state. I’ve completed a 200 hr yoga teacher training and have a somatic certificate and trauma-informed yoga training to do, too. All of this helps me understand and connect with my body better.

THIS is the kind of shit people living with chronic conditions, and experiencing the healthcare system, have to learn to live with. This is the reality.