I started sharing my health journey in 2014. I wanted people in similar situations to know that they’re not alone in what they’re going through and feeling. The sharing of my journey has helped me process some stuff over the years. I am as open and honest as I can be about how I’m feeling, but it’s often difficult for me to put my emotions into words. However, it’s important to me that I keep trying; for my benefit as well as others.

The fertility testing journey has been hard

There’s been a lot of challenging emotions throughout our fertility testing journey. It’s been difficult, and sometimes, I’ve avoided going too deep into the tough stuff. Protecting myself, but also not wanting to go down a negative thought process route when I don’t have answers yet. The process has sometimes been frustrating, aggravating and angering. It’s also been stressful and upsetting. ALL the feels!

Time for some R&R

On September 12th 2022, we went on holiday to Kielder, one of the UK’s dark skies places, with some of my family and the dogs. We were all staying in a lodge together. My partner and family had some activities booked. I had some forest walks planned. I was just really looking forward to some downtime, to breathe, rest, and restore.

Scuppered plans

On day one, I realised that my period was late. Five days late. I obviously had to whisper the realisation to him with my family being just a wooden wall away. We all went out for an evening meal shortly after. I started to overthink almost immediately. ALL of the what-ifs! I ended up awake in the middle of the night, just sitting in the communal living room, trying to think everything out of my brain so I could go back to sleep.

I was pretty annoyed, mainly because the aim of the holiday was to relax. Of course, the possibility of actually having a baby made everything much less relaxing. We started the testing journey, in reality, so we knew exactly where we were so that we could make an informed decision about what we wanted to do. Obviously, we had to come off contraception to begin the fertility investigations, so we went into it having had the conversation that, because we didn’t know for certain, there was the possibility that pregnancy could potentially be an outcome. I am the first person to correct people when they say they weren’t trying for a baby, but when questioned say they weren’t on contraception. To me, coming off contraception IS trying for a baby. At the same time, the realistic expectation of us coming off contraception was no pregnancy.

So there I was. Middle of the night. Scared about what having a baby might look like. Scared about what not having a baby might look like. Trying to figure out how we escape my family to pick up a pregnancy test.

Feeling emotional

The next day, we all went for a morning swim. I needed the post office, so I thought we’d be able to nip away on our own then, but my aunt needed fuel, which was the same place as the post office, so we all ended up going out together. We all went for a wander around a castle and grabbed lunch. I felt like crying the whole time, I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and trying to keep it together. I don’t think the lack of sleep helped in controlling my emotions, either. I was constantly clock-watching. Wondering how far away a store was and how much time until closing. I’d never been six days late for a period before, apart from when I was pregnant in 2008 pre-Jpouch surgery, which ultimately ended in miscarriage. Everyone went into a maze, so I took the opportunity to just go my own way for a little while to try and gather myself.

FINALLY, it was time to head back. Then my cousin jumped in our car to go back to the lodge, so again, we couldn’t just nip away. I sat in the car feeling like I was on the verge of losing my s**t. I needed a test. I needed my mind to stop whirring. I checked Google Maps on the way back, so as soon as we pulled up and my cousin got out, I text my partner the location and off we went. I’m an awful liar, especially if I’m looking someone in the face, so I sent my aunt a quick text saying we were just calling to the pharmacy for dental floss. We picked up two tests. I figured I’d do one when we got back but expected to need to do one in the morning when there was more chance of having a strong pee.

The test was negative.

The next time I went to the toilet, my period had arrived.

I was upset that I wasn’t pregnant. Truly gutted. I also felt stupid for even thinking that I might be… I knew what my insides were like. My surgeon had told me years ago that there’s a mass of adhesions in my abdomen, meaning many of my organs are stuck to one another. My bladder was impacted by the Jpouch excision. It was clear my ureters were also stuck to my bowel when I had ureteral stents put in. We now also know that my cervical entrance was narrowed. I felt like I needed time by myself to process what I was feeling, but that obviously wasn’t possible. I didn’t feel like I was being myself because I was so distracted, and I was particularly irritable. To be frank, it really f**ked up the holiday.

Up to this point, I hadn’t allowed myself to think far enough ahead to consider whether I actually wanted a baby. I expected that we’d find out we couldn’t anyway, so what was the point in wanting? I didn’t think I wanted to put myself and my body through IVF, so I’d focused on keeping my thoughts in the now rather than letting them get carried off into the future. In hindsight, the positive outcome from this scenario was that it helped me realise where my head was truly at. I’d realised that having a baby was an adventure I really would like to embark upon.