Writing this has brought up memories I haven’t revisited in a long time. My first stoma was formed as an emergency in 2007. Before that week, I’d never even heard of an ileostomy. I felt incredibly uncomfortable with the ostomy bag and with myself. I was constantly aware of it, certain that people could see and hear it, and convinced it made me unattractive.

Seeing my new stoma for the first time was a shock

I hated my scars and the new appliance. Looking at my newly formed stoma made me feel sick. No one had prepared me for how overwhelming it could be. The sight of my intestine poking out of my abdomen, especially with the wound and black stitches holding it in place, was too much to handle. I hadn’t experienced anything more than a graze or small cut before!

Accepting my new body was difficult

It got easier as it healed and once the stitches were gone. I became more comfortable with it, but not comfortable enough to actually feel at ease with myself, if that makes sense. I still didn’t like it or want it there, but at least I didn’t feel so sick and faint when I looked at it anymore.

I felt incredibly isolated. I didn’t know anyone else with a stoma. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to who truly understood. So, I didn’t talk about it much at all, to anyone. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t there, all while being constantly aware that it was.

I mainly wore boys’ T-shirts and jogging bottoms because I wanted to hide my body.

The “now me,” thinks I should have been proud of what my body had endured, but, I obviously understand and remember why I wasn’t. It all happened so quickly. I often think maybe I wasn’t unwell for long enough to be grateful for it. At the time, I just wanted the pain to go away, no matter the cost. But you forget the pain. I’m certain the lack of support didn’t help.

Embarrassed by my bag and scars

Something I haven’t really shared with anyone is the anger I felt. I was angry whenever an unclothed abdomen appeared on TV (which was a lot). Seeing those perfect bodies made me feel awful about my own. I knew I could have the stoma reversed, but I also knew my stomach would never look the same. There would always be scars from the midline incision, stoma, drain, and cannulas. A constant reminder of where my stoma once was, a period I wanted to forget. I just wanted to return to my old normal and forget the whole thing had happened.

I felt upset and jealous of “normal” people and had nowhere to vent those emotions.

Join me on the journey to body confidence

Find out how I came to accept my new body, ostomy and all, in Body confidence part 2.