Building and nurturing lasting relationships is a formidable task, even for those untouched by health issues. Along my journey through health battles, I’ve witnessed many people enter and exit my life. The true test of friendship became evident when I received my diagnosis of inflammatory bowel disease in 2007 during a gruelling 6-week hospital stay. I noticed those who never came to visit, who sent supportive texts, and who genuinely cared. The list was shorter than expected.

My recovery was lonely

As I left the hospital and embarked on my recovery from stoma surgery at home, I realized that only a handful of people were interested in checking up on me and my well-being. Most of the people in my life at that time were either colleagues or weekend pub buddies. If I wasn’t at work or out at the pub, they seemed to vanish.

There were, however, a few unexpected individuals from my past who reached out and wished me well during this challenging period. I often wondered whether they genuinely wanted to reconnect or were simply being nosy. At the time, I wasn’t actively seeking new friends, so I accepted their well wishes graciously and left it at that.

Reevaluating my relationships

My rapid health decline, leading to emergency stoma surgery, had shaken me. Post-surgery complications forced me to confront my mortality, prompting a reevaluation of my life and the relationships within it.

As my health gradually improved, some of the old faces from my socializing days reemerged. I contemplated what kind of relationships I wanted moving forward, and those who only wanted my company for specific activities didn’t make the cut.

I’ve made and lost new friends over the years, often due to the whirlwind pace of life or changing circumstances like job transitions. I’ve become careful about who I invest my time in, but I’m only human, and sometimes I’ve made the wrong choices. I try to learn from each relationship experience, even if that simply means recognising what I won’t tolerate.

It wouldn’t be honest to claim that failed friendships and romantic relationships have always been easy to accept, especially when my limitations or their lack of understanding played a part. I’ve cried when people have made me feel like a complainer, a disappointment, or just plain lazy. Guilt has often weighed heavy on me because I couldn’t always follow through with plans or fulfil expectations. I’ve even questioned whether simply being myself wasn’t good enough. But, again, I’m only human.

Moving forward with sustainable friendships

I always remind myself that I’m doing my best. I hold no anger towards those I’m no longer friends with because they can’t control their nature any more than I can change mine. Sometimes, people and lifestyles just don’t align. I’m making the most of what I have within my limitations, which means that I can’t always do everything I want to do when I want to do it.

I acknowledge that understanding what I go through with my health can be challenging for others who haven’t experienced it firsthand. Fortunately, I’ve had the privilege of connecting with some remarkable individuals in my life, often through online communities like Facebook support groups such as #IBDSuperHeroes. The simplicity of talking to someone who really gets a situation or feeling because they’ve walked a similar path is truly priceless.

To me, friends are the people who make time for you. They enjoy your company and genuinely care about your well-being. They don’t burden you with guilt for not responding to a message quickly or pressure you into things that are beyond your capabilities or interests. Friends are the ones who are content doing nothing with you during the times you don’t want, or can’t, do more.