“I’m sorry!”

“I’m sorry, I’m not going to be able to make it tonight.”

“I’m sorry the house is a mess.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t come in today”

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

“I’m sorry, I fell asleep.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking today.”

“I’m sorry that you think I don’t care.”

“I’m sorry I am sick.”

Having a chronic illness means often living your life feeling guilty. Why, when it’s completely out of your control?

As humans, we’re programmed to feel guilty if we let someone down or make someone feel bad. Especially those that we’re fond of.

Would we be there if we could? Of course we would! Would we have cleaned the house and been shopping and cooked dinner if we felt capable? Of course we would! It’s never a case of choosing to be half a person. It’s never because we don’t respect someone’s feelings and just can’t be bothered to do something.

Healthy people only have a certain amount of energy to use throughout the day, but people with chronic illnesses have less. Sometimes, it’s a case of having to prioritise what you will use your energy for today. Sometimes, that priority has to be yourself. Being quiet. Sitting down. Watching a movie. Colouring. Meditating. Reading a book. Anything to try and escape the reality that is wearing you down and frustrating the shit out of you. Simply trying to find some time to relax and de-stress, because illnesses such as IBD can be triggered by stress… So, prioritising rest one day means having the strength to carry on for the next few.

It’s not an easy concept to grasp for those that don’t suffer. It’s not uncommon to receive pointless advice such as “get some sleep” when you’re battling fatigue. You’re fully aware that you would wake up just as exhausted anyway. It’s not easy for people to understand how sick you are when they look at you and just see a person like every other.

Yes, I actually am sorry that I’m sick. I’m not sorry for you. I’m sorry for me, because every time I let people down, or don’t do what I planned to do, that guilt creeps in. It’s me that cries about it. Whilst you’re losing faith in me, complaining to people about my mood, distance, or that I let you down, I am suffering. I am scolding myself for being useless, and not being stronger. But not a lot of people know that because it’s something I do alone. Because my “friends” are too busy discussing what a rubbish friend I am.

It’s difficult. There’s no escaping that, and there’s no escaping the guilt that comes with being half-human, half sloth.

Please just know that we are trying. We are trying with every ounce of our being to live as normal a life as possible. Sometimes, we will fail, and that’s OK. Nobody’s perfect. We must deal with the hand we’ve been dealt, even if that hand fucking sucks.