So, here I am, totally knackered, and I reckon it’s prime time to crack open the honesty jar.

I’m forever banging on about how much having a stoma has changed my life for the better, and it genuinely has. Life before my stoma compared to now? Night and day. But let’s be real, this new ‘normal’ isn’t exactly normal, is it?

Yesterday was a long one. I woke up late and had to skip my morning shower, assuming I’d grab one after work. Work started fine, but an hour in, my skin under my baseplate started itching like mad. I knew that meant there was a leak underneath it. Fortunately, I work from home. I HAD to hop in the shower pronto and sort out my bag. The day continually went downhill from there. Noisy neighbours and lawnmowers meant I couldn’t concentrate to save my life. I ended up finishing work three hours later than planned! Only then did I realise I hadn’t had a drop to drink in six hours! Six! And I’m usually a hydration champ. Safe to say, I was annoyed with myself.

I made dinner and swapped out regular rice for cauliflower rice without a second thought, forgetting I needed something in the meal to bulk up my output. What was I thinking?! I’m usually on top of all of these things, but I totally dropped the ball. The only thing I can conclude is that it was a result of being super tired…

Lack of fluids and carbs at dinner led to my bag filling up like a water balloon, again and again. Bedtime came and went, and I was still dealing with the aftermath of my day. Already exhausted, not being able to sleep pushed me over the edge. I found myself in the bathroom having a little cry. I was thinking about how unfair it all was. I thought about the issues that can arise now I live with a stoma and all of the things I need to constantly consider. I spent some time just wishing I could be ‘normal’ again.

I reminded myself what life was like pre-stoma and all of the things it allows me to do that I previously couldn’t. That led to me thinking about all the years battling ulcerative colitis and pouchitis, treatments, and the side effects I endured in an attempt to restore some normality… Again, I thought about how unfair that was.

I had my moment, let it all out, and felt a bit better. There was no point in letting frustration take over. This is the only life I’ve got, and it’s better than it could have been. It’s definitely better than it’s been in the past. All I can do is make the most of it!

It’s not the first time I’ve felt down, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Changing my bag when I’m exhausted? Infuriating. Dealing with leaks and sore skin? Frustrating as hell. Bag full and nowhere to empty it? Panic central. The list goes on.

When I think about all the extra stuff I have to deal with and consider because of my stoma, it feels like a lot.

My point is that it’s okay to feel crappy about it sometimes. In fact, I’m certain it’s totally normal! It’s OK to be angry, upset, frustrated, or annoyed. It’s even OK to feel a twinge of envy towards those who don’t have to deal with this stuff.

I do love my stoma. It’s had a massive positive impact on my quality of life. But, I don’t always like my stoma – and that’s OK!

If you’re having a tough time with your ostomy and need a chat, head over to the IBDSuperHeroes Facebook group. Colostomy UK‘s got an amazing support setup too, with a 24-hour helpline, live chat, and Facebook group. Don’t suffer in silence.